Saturday, 24 March 2012

Its changed everywhere without him...

Now, I don't feel like opening my eyes,
 As i can't see anymore his good morning msgs..
The more he hates me,
my love for him grows...
I don't take much time choosing which cloths to where,
As I know now it makes no sense, as he don't see me anymore...
I don't feel like step outside the door,
As I know he will no more smile looking at me.
I eat more than i should now a days,
As I know he is no more to shout at me...
I had stopped listening music,
As i don't wanna cry each time listening to it...
I keep quite and try to hear him within me,
As i know he longer near to me.
I stay mixed up with all the friends,
As I can't suffer the more pain and bleed within, as he no more care...
I can no longer smile looking at the couples roaming outside,
As he will never come to hold my hands again...
I can no longer cry with the hurted heart inside,
As it's make no effect to him to see the tears fall...
I feel alone, alone on the crowed road,
As he will no longer come even if wait till the evening dawn.
I miss him, I love him...the more i use to,
As i know he will no more love me again..,
It adds hope and gives me a ray to live ahead without him,
 Even-thought its changed everywhere without him...

Thursday, 22 March 2012

We talked after along time.

       As yesterday he told me, we met after class. He waited for me at the place we should to before. My steps moved slowly as i felt ill just fall off when ill see him.. He smiled just to show off everything's is clear from his side. As i reached near him, I couldn't stand over there. i felt broken and tears filled in my eyes. I still loved him but the time is so changed that its seems all apart. He said he had forgotten my dairies in rush at home.I stepped to move. He stopped and told, " We can talk at least" I wanted to be with him but not the way he was offering.. I stood there in silence and he told me that he has moved on the track which is totally different and worst. He than showed me a pic. I just took a glance and died... smokes all around his face and beside his own ideal brother. How can he smoke? that too in front of his brother. i hated it and even he knew it. i think that why he did that to hurt me again and again. But still my heart didn't believed.. How can i believe, the Pushpak i love hates all these stuff himself than how can he smoke?
      But I felt like crying and I did that.. I felt motionless and unconscious. He forced to go Andy's and sit there and talk. But I opposed.. after a long talks, I had to agree as he forced and I never can tell him no!
my steps crumbled when I forced myself to sit behind him on the scooty i used to roam along with him. but today the time was different and so was i and his relation.
     He droves and I sat and cried think within me that how fool I m in love with him that even after he hurting me so much I was along with him. I can't do anything its not in my hand. My heart never listens to me.
I can see him, feel him but he moved too far...
we reached and sat inside. He went and ordered a family pack. Before that we had talks that was right from his side but even I wasn't wrong..I felt crying when he again told me that now we can't be anymore together and I felt like crushed. He saw tears in my eyes and offered his handkerchief and i refused as if we can't be together I should get used to live without him, without his helps.. But as he went to the counter, I couldn't stop myself from holding the kerchief hard and sense his presence and scent. I just can't get out of it. I cried and wiped with his kerchief with out he could notice and before he came. For the time we sat there, tears were continuously running out. But not even once he tried to hold my hands and console me.I knew he wanted to but the ego stopped him.. He thinks i did not supported him when the exams were going on, I didn't understand him. And that he wanted me come to him if i realize that.
          But whatever I had done that time, it was just for the reason, He should get time and concentrate on studies rather on us. And he did the same thing, he concentrated so much that he totally forgot that i had even existed that time, as he got serious with books.  I don't blame he was wrong, but i was hurt each time, he remain silence with me after exams, I was hurt when he left me alone in college as his didn't went nice. I was hurt when he chose to sit opposite to me and beside our stupid friend(girl). I was hurt each day when he talked with the girl I hated the most, I was hurt... this time so badly that I had being broken from inside and I search the lost love in my own self. He love's me than why can't he show it to me? He cares for me than why can't he tell me that he does? He wants me than why cant he grab me in his arms when i leave?Why?
          He had no answers for them and and many many talk more such like that happened.....
He told me than, he was just fooling, he didn't smoked. he just went hookah with his bro and cousins. He just tried once and that's it but still I was bleeding from inside. I wanted to touch him so that I can feel real and alive.
     He fed me when i ignored to eat and told lie that i had eaten my breakfast. That built up hope in me.. he told he loves me while leaving that made me real in life... I cried and wanted to hug him and never would leave him... But it all was a dream when he send me a msg when I reached home, "I am sorry Jyoti, i can't be as before.... am really sorry.... I won't be able to come back to you. its too difficult"
      "I never forced you before nor will now. I will  keep loving you for no matter how much you hate me and stay apart" I replied with lot of effort and strength as even i was broken with that msgs of his after a ray of hope I had seen seen so long back.
       "I don't HATE you" he replied and that hurt-ed me more than the previous one. If he doesn't hate me than Why?
        Had no answer to it... I stopped msging him... and went to sleep..with tears again in my eyes..
                              I hope he one day love's me back

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

He was just unknown to me....

     Today, I dressed up fast and msged him that, reach college as soon as he can for the cet forms.. When Aishu called me up and told that she was in Q at the counter near rajni hall. I reached there and stood in line as they had taken their forms... My eyes were on the entrance for him to come. As i reached the counter i took my form but then i thought that when he'll come he will again have to stand in the long line now formed, so i asked the person if i can take the form of my friend also. He agreed and i took his form along with mine. i thought that he will at least smile and tell thanks and my day will be made. But it never happened the way i thought. He came as i arranged his booklets and form to hold it properly in my hand, i saw him.  He stood in line along with his friends, but i then informed him that their is no need of it as i had already taken them, as i had his registration slip.
     His took them and smile at his friend to show that he got his form without any trouble. I waited their till the time but when noticed him involved with friends, I went away... I went out side the college campus with tears in eyes, as i expected at least a smile from him but he didn't even bothered to do even that or at least thank me for that.  I met my friends at gate and then we planned to go class directly as it was already 11.30.
     We reached in class and were talking nonsense( girls talks) and he entered when sir had already started the lecture. He sat just in the beside row and i could see him from the space of my hairs falling on shoulder.
I wait for you...
I loved him so much.. I missed him...I kept on looking at him and then noticed that I was crying.. Eyes filled with tears and I wanted him to wipe.
     He didn't even noticed it but I felt in between even he tried looking at me. It even hurted when he talked and smiled with my friends sitting beside me towards his side. I wanted to run off to my place.
 but then within the break at 1.30, he went... I don't know where and by giving what reason. It hurted me but then I felt relaxed not being in near to him or in contact visually.. He went but all these thing were disturbing me very much. I cant stay with out him nor now I can stay with him... I was in soup. I wasn't knowing what should I do now?.
 and then I returned home with little chatting with him, I had being asking him my dairies he had and never agreed to give and today he went without giving me back. Actually this was just the reason to talk with him...
 And it hurted me the way he replied my msges when I told him that his exsistance now hurted me and made me angry and irritated, when he asked for what was the reason for my upsetness, he replied that it was my problem and for this what can he do?
    " i hate you pushpak.. i hate you.. i now feel like a torn handkerchief which you used whenever you needed and now just just left as you don't want. You have just destroyed my life.. I hate you.. I hate myself for still loving you. its hot easy to get ride of Ur thoughts...I just feel destroyed..."I msged him with lot of tears which he couldn't see.
     "Maine kal bola ki i don't wanna be together with you as u get hurt and u nt even tried to get me back... I used 2 b back of u 4 months but u not even tried... good.. n remember this lines, Maine bola ki i don't want you any more and now even you don't try to get me back as you said."....
      And along with this many things went along... and it hurted me... i cried out, yelled out in pain. i wanted to talk  to him but he told that he will talk with me tomorrow face to face and answer all my questions but i know if i meet him 2moro, i wll just cry and do nothing good. 
       If he now dont wants me than i should  bother him.. I called sneha, one of my old school friend who now stayed in indore. I had a talk with her, I cried and shared everything i had hided from so many days.. It hurted alot and the worst thing i will have to live with it...
        I had decided to go far from his visual images far that he could never come in my eyes and I could eye him. I will leave this place as each and every corner of this area will always remind me of the lost days in past spent with him. and will keep killing me slowly and steadily...
        I will go and he will never know where I had being gone.. I will be lost like I never exsisted in his life as he now don't want me anymore in his life...
                    Hope he will one day love me back...

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

After a long back i saw him...

          After our 12th exams we never met. I used to talk with him sometimes on call made at night.( as i used to tell him).I cant live with out being in contact with him.
         The last time we talked, we talked for a long while..I thought he would understand and make me come back to him. He will struggle and show me the love he always told he did. but nothing like that happened. He told me we can be friends as he wanted it.. But i cant be as it's not easy and accept everything to be normal and clear. 
        I knew i couldn't live without him and even he knew that more than me...that why i thing he never thought that one day ill chose to live without him.I cried that night and he could feel the pain he gave me i felt but he did nothing...just behaved normal. It hurt-ed me alot. Its really killing me each day and night, living without him.I really miss him alot..
        Today i saw him and same state of my heart, it started beating heavily and fast. it also hurted me and left like crying... He came late in class and i could see him directly when he entered from my place.
          I smiled and mixed up with my friends sitting with me(the JJAB)  but i couldn't stop myself from starring him after a frequent interval of seconds.. I stilled loved him for know matter what happened and what he made feel me, the pain and suffering...
         I wanted to hug him tightly and never let him go and i even did in my dreams as i could still feel his touch left in me. Why it happened and why this had to happen after that?
        He came in contact with me in the corridor of the class but i ignored him and turned and hided to get his image from far. He looked little changed and upset.Do it makes a difference to him when i am far ? or its just because as we had so long relationship, its just easy to be forgotten?
        Whole day i felt upset than and wanted to tell him sorry for my rude behavior but than i thought would that have even minded him even a bit of...?
and at night i couldn't stop myself and i apologized him for my behavior in class. But it felt he didn't even felt of it.
        It hurted me again.. he again asked me for our friendship as he text-ed "....I don't want to be together again..."
and I cried looking at it. i so mad... Really mad and stupid that i still think that he'll one day love me back... but I couldn't except his frindship as it's not easy for me  to deal with it..nor i rejected it as i cant stay without him, without his talks and dont care even i its hurting me each time i talk...
         I hope he one day loves me back...

Monday, 19 March 2012

My love for him get's lost for ever.... as its gone deep inside me..

My love       Within a second my life changed,
Its raining...and..
no one know's that i m crying....
All my dreams washed away in rain.
As the season of water arrived,
The tears in my eyes flooded every night.
Each dark day went having a thought,
How will I live the rest of my life?
I cannot be with you nor without,
As the season will go, you will slowly be cleared out.
Every drop of rain makes me think of you,
That’s the reason why, I get daily wet in dew.
Please lord... let the season go... in the watery day,
I don’t want it to happen more.
Your thoughts, your love, I don’t want it anymore.
Let me forget you, your presence now a day hurt me more.
It’s not your fault, its mine I know,
That the reasons I don’t want to punish you anymore.
I don’t deserve you nor your love,
It is my deadly lives don’t make it more tough.
The situation I am in, no one will understand,
Words will say nothing just emotion is making all the plan....
Getting wet in rain why I love so much,
It only because in rain, nobody knows I am crying in pain...
With drop of tear, I want to clear you away, so as rain goes...
I will realize that you were never there.
I left you alone today, on the drizzling street,
One day, your feelings for me will be all deplete.
Water arises each day with the heavy fall,
Still my heart is waiting for god’s indicating call.
Let it get more flooded with every heavy shower,
So that with it, my love for him gets lost forever....
          as its goes deep inside me..........

Sunday, 18 March 2012

It was 7th feb 2012..... the day for which i planned before so much.....
We met in the morning, and he took me to the place we decided. i haven't slept the whole night... i was awake preparing all these gifts and surprises for him. even he was awake.. we were talking on cell side by side..
We had fun. enjoyed and felt the love we had... i showered all my emotions even when i didn't wanted be shown the way he felt.... i made and had prepared alot for, cake, poster painted with my  hand and many more thing...... all those were my way to express but even that was bad...he was very happpy...
and his happiness meant everything to me..

The last day i smiled....4th year with him.

The fact of my self
 this poster showed the way i grew in love with him and how slowly with every phase of life my each and everything got surrendered to him....
it was the last day i smiled...
it was the last moment i have lived....

Friday, 16 March 2012

It left me happy and hope to head my destiny.

It turned all dark when I closed my eyes...
Straight walking in the forest, my heart set to cry.
Had no clue and evidence of going back,
Making footprints on the ground, which couldn't be seen in black.
Don't know how many miles I walked, but didn't know where was i going...
Suddenly,I slipped and landed on the floor, 
Which threw me deep inside it, all dark and black.
With closed eyes, I went deep into the floor...
And then with a second everything went out of sight.
When I landed on the arms, which holded me tight.
I headed up and looking in his eyes, 
Vanishing all my fear and making my heart smile.
I got lost in him when his eyes met mine
As eventually things around turned bright and shine.
With a white horse, he drove me the clouds i think.
Even i dress in white as i noticed in a blink.
As he stopped, he again carried me on..
''Who are you?" I said, as to know him more.
" Oohh... my dear princess, I am your prince.
It's your world my lady and your desired destiny......"
Don't know when he ended but i felt in love for him.
Closing my eyes suddenly, i waited for him to commence.
His lips touched mine and i was reborn....
With all the dark memories leaving behind.......a new story was born.
It felt like a fairytale, i had heard from my mom.
And my eyes opened as the morning rays call.
I woke up and cleared dream.....
But it left me happy and hopes to head my destiny......

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Unspoken words...: Pages of love comes to an end.

Unspoken words...: Pages of love comes to an end.: At the age of 8, I saw you, met you… And the small sweet story began. We fought, talked and played the day long, Don’t forget the moment of...

Pages of love comes to an end.

At the age of 8, I saw you, met you…
And the small sweet story began.We fought, talked and played the day long,Don’t forget the moment of happiness shared.
At the age of 9, the friendship grew with the days ran…
We used be together and became close friends.Laughing, fooling, the day passed,Along with your company I started living my life.
At the age of 10, I felt for you…
 So as I came closer with your thoughts.Going tuition with you and comings back along,All became a routine as the life moved on.
At the age of 11, we shared a time of enjoyment…
Where everyday’s panipuri would add the taste of joy.Dairy milk, Kitkat where all shared amongst us,But even thought the meetha taste never gone.
 At the age of 12, many up and downs came…
We almost got separated and departed there and there.But friendship’s strong bond made us come together again,Tuitions changed but we were still together there.
At the age of 13, we got many friends…
People came, became friends and then went away,But couldn’t move are friendship by any instance.Our friendship grew with each and every thing happened.
At the age of 14, we again went far…
A year later the friendship had taken its new turn.From buddies, I felt more for you,And when you realized the same thing, our love story begins.
At the age of 15, things all together changed…
We got separated from friends as we spent time together alone.The morning cycling and then evening ride,With the sun’s rise and fall, our heart turned solitary along.
At the age of 16, love grew deep…
With the trust and care you showed, all in all changed me.I became all yours and you grew in me,With little bit of fights, our love broke a little margin.
At the age of 17, you showed me the world…
New places and cities, all showed me a new earth.Beaches, parks, sunsets and sunriseMalls, monuments all you showed with your hands in mine.
At the age of 18, many new things turned….
New thoughts and minds, with new people all around.Arguments and anger and misunderstanding continued,Which used to end before had taken roots now.And slowly even with lots of tries, the pages of love came to an end…
Things were changed and I realized the fact,
“Love the person without limits but the same person will always keep you to his limits as he wants.”
“Make the person you love, your heartbeats but the same person will try to be your breath and will control you accordingly”
“When he is happy, he will provide you with wings to fly but when he is upset, he will tie your wing with his words.”
“He really loves you, its not false. But the rules of his life will always come first…..even before your deepest love”
“Thousands of times he’ll tell you ‘I love you’, but the time you really want, he will not do”
‘Life is happiest when he is with you but it will not take a second to change if you hurt him even at once.”